Duplicity...fit or fat or both?

So I know I'm suppose to be inspirational and all that, but I've gotta tell you, I'm not feeling very inspirational right now.  In an attempt to make some additional money and to increase my visibility I have begun videotaping workshops, seminars and the like & converting them to the DVD for the presenters.  Sounds like a no-brainer, right?  Find workshops I'm interested in and either barter or get paid to do something I would like to be doing anyway.

What I didn't count on was how I would somehow find a way to get some screentime.  I don't like to watch myself on video, I just don't.  So imagine my surprise as I have to thrice edit last night the piece I shot 10 days ago...I'm all over it, in the shots & then, here's the killer--we go into a yoga studio & I park my butt directly in front of the camera (to be fair, the other participants left me no choice as to spots).  I got to watch myself getting into positions and my shirt riding up and what my stomach looks like when I'm not consciously sucking it in and really the view no 360 mirror could ever provide...

Am I being hard on myself?

Maybe.  But maybe not.  I have an image of myself as fit.  I believe (or at least as of yesterday afternoon) that I am a fit person.  And honestly the facts back that up--I'm in good shape: I can run for over a hour without stopping, I swim in a masters swim class, I spin, I lift weights, I do Pilates, I do these things with ease.  But sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I plagued with injuries.  Injuries that anyone can get, sure, but really excess weight exacerbates.  I fit into a size 14 (which for me was a HUGE fete, and I realize that for some people that's a nightmare, but for someone who's a size 20-24-28-32 it's a dream and it's a dream I achieved).  Except when I don't (and then I don't really talk about it).  Sometimes I feel really 'in my body' and loving my curves and my hips...except when I don't, and I fixate on a problem 'area'.  But here's the thing, what I saw yesterday didn't show a person who appears fit.

I question whose eyes I'm viewing this body, my body, with?  Sometimes I think they are rose-colored glasses...Or can they be the harsh, judgemental glasses of woman-collective (that part of us that can sum up another woman harshly and concisely and limited, but comes way-too-easily for almost all of us)?  If I jump on the bandwagon of you aren't fit unless you look this way, and your BMI is this and your jeans are a single digit then where does that leave me--am I irrelevant?  But on the other hand do I give myself 'too much worth'- and is there such a thing? 

This is what I know (or at least I thought I knew):  I have a problem with fat-advocates, I don't think they do a service to women.  Obesity is a killer, by saying weight should not be a factor in this world is misguided to say the least.  But I also have an issue with the set that tells me I don't fit in with their crowd because I'm not a size 2, or 4, or 6.  Where does that leave me...right now, quite frankly, I feel alone.  I feel like I am alone in the middle.  Am I really serving anyone anymore?  I am really even serving myself?  If I admit that I don't believe I am worthy as a size 14, have I just told an amazing group of women (and men) who follow me that are size 16+ to collectively fuck-off?  Conversely, if I don't fit the expectations of the 'Fit-is-Us' crowd, do I even belong at the table, have I essentially become a 'fat advocate'? 

How much longer can I sit at this precipice?  There's an old phrase, 'shit or get off the pot'...does this mean I need to lose the 'rest of the weight'?  Maybe it does.  I do know that the woman I saw on that video did not look as fit as I desire to be, she appeared to move more slowly getting on and off the floor than a vibrant woman should.  Damn, that woman was me.  But so is the woman in my head.  The duplicity of it all....

Comments

[Jessica Goodman]

I remember how inspiring you were when you spoke at a M&M meeting. You talked about how fitness comes in all different shapes and sizes and showed some pictures of athletes to prove it. I remember your story and your glow.

Interesting to read that you are questioning your fitness ability and your "worthiness". Sometimes a "bad body thought" is about more than your body and it's worthwhile to dig deep and see what it really means. I notice that these feelings came up as you are taking steps to put yourself out there as an inspirational leader, so perhaps the feelings you expressed may not be about your body, but about how "worthy" you consider yourself to be this leader. Something to consider exploring.

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