Lost 100

Duplicity...fit or fat or both?

So I know I'm suppose to be inspirational and all that, but I've gotta tell you, I'm not feeling very inspirational right now.  In an attempt to make some additional money and to increase my visibility I have begun videotaping workshops, seminars and the like & converting them to the DVD for the presenters.  Sounds like a no-brainer, right?  Find workshops I'm interested in and either barter or get paid to do something I would like to be doing anyway.

What I didn't count on was how I would somehow find a way to get some screentime.  I don't like to watch myself on video, I just don't.  So imagine my surprise as I have to thrice edit last night the piece I shot 10 days ago...I'm all over it, in the shots & then, here's the killer--we go into a yoga studio & I park my butt directly in front of the camera (to be fair, the other participants left me no choice as to spots).  I got to watch myself getting into positions and my shirt riding up and what my stomach looks like when I'm not consciously sucking it in and really the view no 360 mirror could ever provide...

Am I being hard on myself?

Maybe.  But maybe not.  I have an image of myself as fit.  I believe (or at least as of yesterday afternoon) that I am a fit person.  And honestly the facts back that up--I'm in good shape: I can run for over a hour without stopping, I swim in a masters swim class, I spin, I lift weights, I do Pilates, I do these things with ease.  But sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I plagued with injuries.  Injuries that anyone can get, sure, but really excess weight exacerbates.  I fit into a size 14 (which for me was a HUGE fete, and I realize that for some people that's a nightmare, but for someone who's a size 20-24-28-32 it's a dream and it's a dream I achieved).  Except when I don't (and then I don't really talk about it).  Sometimes I feel really 'in my body' and loving my curves and my hips...except when I don't, and I fixate on a problem 'area'.  But here's the thing, what I saw yesterday didn't show a person who appears fit.

I question whose eyes I'm viewing this body, my body, with?  Sometimes I think they are rose-colored glasses...Or can they be the harsh, judgemental glasses of woman-collective (that part of us that can sum up another woman harshly and concisely and limited, but comes way-too-easily for almost all of us)?  If I jump on the bandwagon of you aren't fit unless you look this way, and your BMI is this and your jeans are a single digit then where does that leave me--am I irrelevant?  But on the other hand do I give myself 'too much worth'- and is there such a thing? 

This is what I know (or at least I thought I knew):  I have a problem with fat-advocates, I don't think they do a service to women.  Obesity is a killer, by saying weight should not be a factor in this world is misguided to say the least.  But I also have an issue with the set that tells me I don't fit in with their crowd because I'm not a size 2, or 4, or 6.  Where does that leave me...right now, quite frankly, I feel alone.  I feel like I am alone in the middle.  Am I really serving anyone anymore?  I am really even serving myself?  If I admit that I don't believe I am worthy as a size 14, have I just told an amazing group of women (and men) who follow me that are size 16+ to collectively fuck-off?  Conversely, if I don't fit the expectations of the 'Fit-is-Us' crowd, do I even belong at the table, have I essentially become a 'fat advocate'? 

How much longer can I sit at this precipice?  There's an old phrase, 'shit or get off the pot'...does this mean I need to lose the 'rest of the weight'?  Maybe it does.  I do know that the woman I saw on that video did not look as fit as I desire to be, she appeared to move more slowly getting on and off the floor than a vibrant woman should.  Damn, that woman was me.  But so is the woman in my head.  The duplicity of it all....

Ironic 'healthy kids' sign

I saw this sign at a local park & loved the message...then I saw the bottle of coca cola. I swear I played no role in it's placement! My friend Tracy suggested perhaps people will begin leaving undesirable items near the sign: McDonalds bags, cigarettes, juice boxes, pizza slices... Anyway-what item would you leave at the sign???

Musings of a Foodie...Why am I blessed with food choices while others go hungry???

So I'm sitting here at a little cafe in NYC, I just dropped my kids at their educationally adept daycare (you know, age appropriate toys, little stations, caregiver ratio of 2 to 1, bright colors, sleek furniture, fish to feed, puppets that come to life--it's like a freaking wonderland for a 3 year in that place & somehow when I pick them up at the end of the day they are perfectly clean and the women are not harried and all the toys are picked up and placed in their perfectly labeled containers and my kids have both taken naps and used the potty and not eaten any boogers--pretty much a complete 180 from what happens at a day at our house, which is why I never let my husband pick up the kids, lest he actually come to think this kind of irrational behavior is normal?!)...Anyway, yikes, where was I?  Oh yes, the kids are not my responsibility for an entire 8 1/4 hours--yippee!  The weight of world is off my shoulders!  I can do anything, be anyone 1/3 of a whole day.  Wow.

So what do I do?  I go to this little cafe on the ground floor of the Time Life Building (where the kids are in their educationally adept, company paid for daycare--to be read 'expensive').  I am going to get so much done.  I check my e-mail, balance my checkbook online, and begin working on an on-going project (a ridiculously complicated chart plotting the weights and BMI's and loss percentages of Biggest Loser contestants and comparing it to past seasons).  Finally, with the din of radio and the random conversations around me as background noise I am able to work and start feeling 'in the zone' (I hate phrases like that, but sometimes they just describe it).

"Can anyone help me out?'  That's what he said.  Who's he talking to?  Does he think I work here?  I don't have on a uniform...I don't have a name tag on.  Do I somehow look official?    He, for the record is a man in his 30's, light skin bi-racial guy with a face covered in freckles and a ruddy orange sweatshirt.  To be honest, I don't want to be bothered.  I want to go on working on my project and being an anonymous person in the corner of the cafe hogging a table that happens to have an outlet next to it and drinking the water and coffee I bought and the sunflower seeds and dried prunes I brought.  But maybe he's lost and just doesn't know where to order? Or he's not sure where the subway is? 

I say, rather naively (especially for a girl whose lived here more than 2 minutes), 'what do you need help with'?  'Something to eat' is the curt, loud response carried with an intense, audacious stare. 

Oh shit.  What if this is the 2nd coming of Christ?  What if I say no and then when I go and meet with my accountant later he tells me there was a mistake on my taxes and I owe $5000?  What if I say no and then get hit by a taxi on my way out?  What if that Hawaiian guy from 20/20 pops out and tells me I was actually being secretly taped for the 'What would you do' segment and failed miserably?  What if my grandpa was watching me from heaven and shook his head sadly at his snotty granddaughter.  How could I say no?

'I have an apple' I say.  'Okay!' he says.  I proceed to look voraciously through my bag, glad to know he's hungry and didn't say, 'no thanks' like most people do when they ask for money and I offer them the perennial apple that I usually have in bag.  My papers fall on the floor.  My pen falls on the floor.  My freckled-faced caller picks up the papers and pen dutifully.  I can't find the frickin' apple--I took it out this morning because I wasn't going to eat it and needed the room in my bag for the organic carrots and organic cheese and organic rolled up turkey I packed instead. 

'You know what, just go up and order something for yourself' I find myself saying.  A bewildered stare meets my eyes.  'You paying?' he says suspiciously.  'Of course' I say quietly.  Shit, what if he orders $50 in food I think.  I should have just grabbed a gift card and put $20 on it.  He orders and I meet him at the register with my Visa Marriott Rewards card that I use so I can get points toward the Fiji vacation I want to take. 

Fiji vacation.  Organic cheese.  Organic carrots.  Who have I become?

Why on earth do I deserve these things?  For God sakes there are people dying of starvation all over the world.  And I discuss the differences between the Jewish preschool and the YMCA preschool and if we can afford the $5000+/year pricetags.  And when we will be renovating our perfectly fine (albeit out-of -style & out-of-date) kitchen?  And do I like this paint shade from Benjamin Moore or this other one? And shouldn't we hire an arborist? 

$50?  What would it have hurt?  Sure, I couldn't have made a huge difference, really I couldn't have.  But, what if that act of kindness inspired Mr. freckles?  What if it inspired the check-out clerk as she puts herself through college?  What if it inspired someone else?  One small act is sometimes the catalyst of something big. 

I'm glad the orange sweatshirt guy was able to eat his bacon, egg & cheese on roll with a large orange juice.  I wish I hadn't muttered under my breath 'your welcome' as I walked away after paying and saying, 'I hope you have a nice day'.  Afterall, why on earth would manners be important to someone who is told to fuck off by the world probably 500 times a day.  Maybe this meal will be the only one he eats all week.

 I wish I had done more.

Maybe by writing this I have.

Be grateful.  Be inspired.  Do something for someone today.  Even if you think they don't deserve it.  Even if you are feeling bad for yourself.  Do something.  Do something and expect nothing in return.  Not even a thank you.  Be that catalyst.  Please.  Pay it forward for Mr. Freckles sake.

FINDING STABILITY: IN SEARCH OF A YEAR OF NO CHANGE

Yes, I know I cannot control the universe...but after a series of long talks with my husband I think I have come to some realizations...we/me/I/us need some stability in our lives.  In the merry-go-round/blame game I believe I have found a very consistent problem/obstacle in my life.  I fear the unknown and I fear change.  After taking a very long and hard look at our lives as individuals, a couple, and a family we have realized that we have had a major life change every year of our marriage (11 years...and counting!).  In addition, truly I have had a major life change longer than that...join me on a stroll down memory lane...

2008...in late January we moved into a new house in a new state and essentially knew we would never see our old friends (yes, even if you move 15 miles away...if your in NYC/surrounding area you might as well have moved to London...you're never seeing your old friends on a regular basis again!)...husband travels more than 1/2 the year on business....dog dies....we are finally debt free (well, credit card debt!)...begin this blog...stop nursing baby....deal with stagnant weight loss....deal with weight gain...

2007...baby Z is born on Father's Day, comes home to a one-bedroom apartment (yep 4 of us in 1 bedroom--argh!)....husband goes to Iraq (as a journalist)...quit my job to be a mom...elected to Board of Directors for our co-op...lose over 50 pounds during the year...try to sell apartment, it falls through...finally sell apartment....pay off a lot of debt

2006....baby S arrives 6 weeks early and is in the NICU for 10 days....husband has long business trip overseas...go back to work after baby is born...unexpected, but amazing gift of 2nd pregnancy....husband's grandmother dies....deal with a major depression....lose 40+ pounds....pay off a huge chuck of debt

2005....buy a one-bedroom in NYC...think about finding a new job...lose some weight...sister and brother get married 6 weeks apart...get knocked up (unexpected but wonderful news!)...grandmother dies, leaving me heartbroken

2004...relocate from Cincinnati to NYC, rent a 1 bedroom apartment in Manhattan....can't find a job in my field (at least not at the level I wanted)...take a job teaching high school...lose 30 pounds

2003...promoted to Director of the Family Center, becoming one of the youngest directors at the non-profit ever...hit all time highest weight....we come the realization that we have accumulated a HUGE amount of debt and face a big problem in pulling ourselves out of debt

2002...graduate with my MSW (masters in social work) while working full time...promoted to Program Manager of a large program

2001...working full time, going to school full time, new internship...promoted to Family Center Coordinator...9/11/01 very emotional....therapist I just started seeing falls to her death 4 weeks later while hiking, I think it's no big deal, but it secretly bothers me for years

2000...start graduate school...begin an internship

1999...apply to graduate school...promoted to Family Support Coordinator...walk in a marathon

1998....after being in Knoxville only 6 months husband gets a job in Cincinnati, move to Cincinnati/ Northern Kentucky....find a new job...move into an apartment...try to make friends...try to acclimate to a very large (well, it seemed at time anyway) city...

1997...graduate from college...get married....move away from home--Erie, PA--to Knoxville, TN....begin 1st 'real job'

1996...boyfriend/husband moves to Georgia for a job...spend summer in Georgia with boyfriend/husband...get engaged

1995...meet husband, fall in love...decide to stop playing college basketball

1994...grandfather I'm very close to dies unexpectedly of a heart attack

1993...1st 'love' breaks my heart...recruited to play basketball by several colleges...go to college

1992...fall in love for the first time

1991...hmmm....I don't remember a major life change this year...at the time I'm sure my issues seemed 'huge'....but probably the biggest things in my life were that I had started driving and normal high school angst.

EVEN CHRISTMAS TREES HAVE BODY IMAGE ISSUES!

We went to cut down our Christmas tree last week and this tree caught my eye...I call it the 'anorexic tree'...even Christmas trees have been seduced by the media/diet industry standards and this poor Arborvitae has succumbed to the pressures!

I recommended a new 'arbor-face group' for this uber-skinny gal...'recovering arborexics, full figured is beautiful'...

THANKSGIVING--GIVE THANKS FOR YOUR BODY & MOVE IT!

Just a friendly little reminder that you should give thanks for your body!  It allows you to walk, run, talk, hug, cook, eat, kiss, skip, hop, ride a bike, jump, climb, have sex (come on, you were thinking it too!), ride a motorcycle, ski, skateboard, ride a horse, etc.

What a wonderful thing it is the way our bodies work.  Give it a little gift today....take a long walk, go for a jog, ride your bike....just do something to say 'thanks for all the little things you allow me to do, now let me take care of you'.

It might seem silly, but deep down you KNOW it's true.  So yes, eat some yummy foods and give thanks for the harvest, but give thanks for your amazing, wonderful, beautiful body too!  We are heading out for our run in about 30 minutes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'M HAVING A 'MR. MOM' MOMENT!

So have you ever seen Mr. Mom? You know, that 80's movie with Michael Keaton. There's this scene where he 'throws in the towel' and his life is going to pot (pretty much every mom I know can relate to feeling this way at one time or another). He's gotten fat, the house is an utter disaster, he hasn't shaved in weeks, he's wearing the same clothing days at a time, his life is revolving around the soap operas, the kids are running the show and it ain't pretty. Keaton's character, Jack, gets it together--he cleans the sh!t out of the house, he gets the kids to give up the pacifier, give up the 'woobie' (blanket), & he basically becomes the perfect homemaker (all in about 5 minutes--Wow!). I'll spare you the social commentary on the underlying message the producers were tying to send that women should just pull themselves up from their stirrup pants because really all you have to do it want it. But the fact is that sometimes I feel like Jack, my life can go into utter chaos and I lose control of my day, my house, my kids and because I lack structure so goes the kids, the house, my life. It's a never-ending circle that leaves one feeling depressed. I blogged a bout balance a few weeks back and discipline and it's all related.

Today, when the kids went down for their nap I have my Mr. Mom moment (not the I want to have an affair with Joan the buxom divorce moment...no the 'I'm getting my shit together moment). No, the house isn't perfect, and I'm about 154% sure it will never be. BUT: the catch-all bookshelf is cleared off, some clutter is picked up, the dishwasher and the washing machine are both going, and I have a 'planning board' I'm mapping out for the next couple weeks. I have too much to do (hey, who doesn't)...but at least can be some semblance of organized chaos.

By the way, WEEKLY WEIGH-IN NUMBERS ARE IN...I lost 2 pounds (taking into account that I gained a pound last week, I actually only lost 1 pound...but the point is, my weight loss total right this minute (well, really Saturday morning, before eating, after peeing, while standing naked on the scale) is -76. That's right...76 pounds are gone from my body! It will be more this coming week...you can count on it!

STRUGGLING WITH BALANCE (NOT PHYSICAL BALANCE...LIFE BALANCE)

I don't know about you...but I seem to struggle with balance...not riding a bike or standing on a rock like the yoga guru's kind of balance...no, good ol' fashion how do I keep all the balls in the air balance.

I was so frustrated a few months ago, that I sought professional help. No, I didn't go to a psychologist, or social worker, or religious guru...I went to the professionals--other mommies. I am lucky enough to be part of a women's group, Mothers & More, and we happen to be the largest group in the country. So, I swallowed my pride, and wrote a long, rambling e-mail to 500 of my 'closest friends' and begged for help. I figured between them someone had a magic potion. Not so much. But what I found is that I wasn't alone. I heard personally from over 20 moms with practical suggestion...but what I heard the most was, 'THANK YOU--you said how I feel everyday'.

What I found from this very small sampling is that it didn't matter if you had one kid or seven, if you were a stay-at-home mom, a work-at-home mom, a work-out-of-home mom; or if you had a nanny or an au pair, or a mom/mother-in-law/ aunt who helps, or a super duper hubby--every woman felt there were too many things to do each day. Every woman cut corners. Every woman felt she failed in something or failed someone each day.

I sometimes feel like I fail myself. Do you? I give to my kids, to my house, to my hubby, to my dog, to my friends, my manicurist, my garbage man--when do I give to me? When I do give to me, I feel guilty or I use my time poorly. Am I just a product of my Catholic 'guilt-ridden' upbringing? I suspect not--many women feel guilty. I find I feel most guilty when I do all kinds of things and accomplish nothing. You know, half-assing 27 things and none are really finished. This is most evident when I feel I shortchange my kids. Not that I ever want to, but when I accomplish a lot and they have sort of, 'fended for themselves' with Sesame Street or their toy farm it seems like a fair trade. When all I can say is I checked my e-mail, CNN.com, and opened the mail--then I feel pretty shitty.

Today I actually feel like I have given fully to my children. We have had a wonderful day. I feel good about myself...except I haven't exercised yet....ARGH--the balance thing...

BATHROOM WALL QUOTE REALLY SPEAKS TO ME!

So earlier today I was at a random restaurant in Denver (I think it's called Mahoney's) and while in their way-cool bathroom I saw a quote they had up on the wall from the late Beverly Sils...

"There are no shortcuts to any place worth going"

Think about it...what does this have to do with weight? Well, everything. This is a journey. A journey for you, a journey for me. The journey of our lives, for our lives--to get our lives back...

Is it worth it? I can't think of anything more important to me than being able to live a healthy life.

WORKING OUT UP HIGH--A MILE HIGH!

I'm in Denver, never been here before and WOW it's gorgeous. I'll be hitting the Rocky Mountains, enjoying hiking and trail runs. What I'm really stoked about is being a mile high (Denver is above sea level by about a mile). I'm hoping the thinner air will challenge me and make me stronger. I said to hubby last night, so does this mean I only need to run a mile to get the same workout as running two...I don't think so. Instead of looking to cut corners, I'm looking for a challenge, and I know I'm up for it!

What are you going to do to challenge yourself this week?