Lost 100

The Lessons of the Chopsticks

If you're like me, the thought of going for sushi makes you sweat.  Not the food, the food rocks--it's whole and fresh and good for you and so delicious that if you had the money you'd take out an add in the NYTimes and tell everyone (okay, maybe you'd just post it on your Facebook or Twitter account, but still).  The sweaty pits?...it's the chopsticks.  My little wooden twin adversaries...they taunt me with their perfect posture and hygiencially wrapped attitude.  I hyperventilate at the thought a dinnermate might laugh at my ineptitude. 

It isn't that I haven't tried to use chopsticks.  I've tried using chopsticks in Japanese, Chinese, Thai, Korean and Burmese restaurants.  I've had tutorials, I've watched YouTube, I've been humiliated by children and elderly alike.  My most likely to succeed move was the poke.  'You're not suppose to poke the food with a chop stick,' you say.  Ya, well, buzz off-I do!  My husband is mortified.  Waitresses gather behind the curtain to giggle.  Children point.  I ask for a fork.  Friends have stated to me "I feel most comfortable with chopsticks in my hand."  I secretly think, 'I wonder how they would feel up your...'  Whoa!  See, the chop sticks are making me lose it!

However, recently I went on a vacation.  I had some goals:  Relax.  Don't return e-mail.  Don't read small children books at 8PM.  Go dancing.  And use chopsticks for an entire meal.  I didn't want to tempt fate, so I told no one of my grand plan.  We land in San Francisco and after checking into our hotel immediately head to Chinatown.  They bring me a fork.  I see NYC decided to call ahead and warn their West Coast sister city.  Thanks for nothing.

My husband is in a better mood than normal (maybe it's that we aren't paying a babysitter and he can't get called into work or the fact that I've already made an ass of myself at the airport and he figures it's out of the way already)...he begins a new tutorial.  Bend the wrist.  Check.  Loosen your grip.  My plastic (yes- a step up!) have fallen on the table and floor.  The waiter scurries over to bring me a new set and apologize.  Um, I'm the one that dropped them, please stop apologizing.  Oh crap.  He has 10 more sets in his front pocket--what have I gotten myself into?!

Lunch was not as successful as I would have dreamed, but I did manage to have a couple bites of hubbie's chow mein direct from the chop sticks.  Round 2:  Dinner.  We head for sushi.  We share a bottle of wine and we are presented with gorgeous porcelein chop sticks (I look around for the reality TV cameras, and check if they have placed padding around our table).  Must drink more wine.  And then it happens.  I decide to fess up:  "Rod, I am going to eat this entire meal with the chopsticks."  He promises not to try to steal the food I don't grab on the first dozen attempts.  It's fun.  We're laughing.  He sits next to me.  We laugh some more, I eat an entire dragon roll.  We finish all our food, all our wine and we are still laughing and even (ahem) nuzzling each other.  Someone asks if we're on our honeymoon.  I laugh harder, if they only knew!

Husband points out that I have just eaten an entire meal with nothing but chopsticks.  No fingers.  No forks.  And best of all, the 'poke' didn't figure into the equation!  We go on to eat 3 more meals with chopsticks that week.  Today, between meetings I ran into this new wok restaurant in the center of town.  I placed my take out order:  brown rice, shrimp, bok choy & onions.  She asked, do you need a fork or chopsticks.  Chopsticks I say.  Whoa!  Yep, I really want them. 

I proceed to eat the entire meal with chopsticks and can't believe I never 'got it' before.  What's funny is that 3 weeks ago I would have told you I would NEVER learn to eat with chopsticks.  I was a lost cause.  But the thing is, like anything in life, give it some air, some attention and some (positive) attitude and you will likely be successful.  A few platitiudes come to mind here:

Whether you think you can or you think you can't:  you're right!  ~Henry Ford

"Never, never, never, never, never, never give up!"  ~Winston Churchill

 

What can you change your perception of right now?  What do you think you 'can't' do that you can?  You CAN live the life you always dreamed of!  Hey, just look at me, I'm doing it, one chopstick at a time!

Trees

I'm still on vacation, so this is just a short & sweet note about trees.  We went for a hike in the Redwoods yesterday and I must say that trees are amazing!  The redwoods, we learned, grow in these little clusters or families.  Even when one part dies, the rest of the tree goes right on living.  You can see spots of fire damage and catastrophic falls from other trees, but the tree goes right on living.  Sure, life might be different, but life remains.  Reminds me of the beautiful scenes from the movie Avatar.  Nature always wants to return to homestasis, to a place of wellness.  We can learn a lot from nature and trees...

Fun Updates from a very hilly city

Ricearoni.  The Maltese Falcon.  Hills.  Austentatious mansions.  The Palace of Fine Arts.  The Giants & 49'ers.  Chinatown.  Fisherman's Wharf.  Cablecars.  The Slow Food Movement.  Sonoma.  Muir Woods.  Redwoods.  Yoga.  Tantra.  Alcatraz.  Sweatshirt weather year round.  Golden Gate Bridge.

Where am I?  I'm sure you guessed it after Ricearoni, which for the record I haven't seen ANY ricearoni here in SanFran!  But I have eaten at Burma Superstar, an authentic Burmese restaurant that was to-die-for AND raises money for a good cause-the liberation of Burma!  The food was amazing--the salads are mixed tableside (like guacamole in an authentic or pseudo-authentic Mexican restaurant) and have amazing raw ingredients like tea leaves and a host of seeds and nuts.  Curries, coconut rice, refresing teas, melt-off-the-bone chicken and lots of veggies.

We also ate at a slow-food urban farmers market.  The slow food movement is all about local, organic, fresh, etc.- check out www.slowfoodusa.org for more info.  I met someone from a dried kale company that literally was the yummiest new thing I've had in awhile.  I could have eaten an entire tub of dried kale in about 5 minutes.  Fresh, local and amazing.  I'm going to do my best to beg, plead, cajole them to send some to NYC (which I realize makes no sense since they are working on the local aspect--but hey, it's all about me sometimes-haha)!  If you want to check them out, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mighty-Mouth-Foods/149157505118102  or @driednotfried on Twitter.

Besides all the amazing and healthy food we've been eating we have been getting in several miles of walking/day- and we can feel it!  These hills are unlike anything I've ever seen!  Today we are setting out on bikes to check out parts of the city that are too far to walk to in a day, to bike the Golden Gate Bridge, bike around Salsalito and other areas.  Looking forward to it!

Tomorrow we head to Santa Cruz for a surfing lesson.  Yes.  I'm going surfing.  You know why?  Because I'm done letting things hold me back in life.  I am fit and and I'm going to live my life.  Sure, I'd love to have a great bikini body before I go surfing, but I want to say to any women (or men for that matter) out there, to stop letting things hold you back from LIVING.  Live out loud.  When you EMBRACE LIFE, when you love your life and yourself you'll start making changes to support that.  So go out and do something today that you never thought possible- you'll honor yourself through that action!

Yesterday I participating in an art project at the Museum of Modern Art here in San Francisco.  'You're an artist, Jennifer?'  Yes, I am.  It dawned on me as I looked at the pictures they had posted of these amazing artists who were guests of MOMSF just like me.  I am an artist.  And this is what I wrote:  My art is my words, my art is my embracing of life, my art is helping women, empowering women to love themselves, their body, their life!  Every woman is beautiful in her particular way!  And I really believe that!  When we step back and look at something through a different lense, through new eyes we can see it!  Sure, I'm no Picasso, no Matisse.  But I'm Jennifer Griola.  I matter, I have worth.  AND SO DO YOU!!!!!!

Cheers!

Duplicity...fit or fat or both?

So I know I'm suppose to be inspirational and all that, but I've gotta tell you, I'm not feeling very inspirational right now.  In an attempt to make some additional money and to increase my visibility I have begun videotaping workshops, seminars and the like & converting them to the DVD for the presenters.  Sounds like a no-brainer, right?  Find workshops I'm interested in and either barter or get paid to do something I would like to be doing anyway.

What I didn't count on was how I would somehow find a way to get some screentime.  I don't like to watch myself on video, I just don't.  So imagine my surprise as I have to thrice edit last night the piece I shot 10 days ago...I'm all over it, in the shots & then, here's the killer--we go into a yoga studio & I park my butt directly in front of the camera (to be fair, the other participants left me no choice as to spots).  I got to watch myself getting into positions and my shirt riding up and what my stomach looks like when I'm not consciously sucking it in and really the view no 360 mirror could ever provide...

Am I being hard on myself?

Maybe.  But maybe not.  I have an image of myself as fit.  I believe (or at least as of yesterday afternoon) that I am a fit person.  And honestly the facts back that up--I'm in good shape: I can run for over a hour without stopping, I swim in a masters swim class, I spin, I lift weights, I do Pilates, I do these things with ease.  But sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I plagued with injuries.  Injuries that anyone can get, sure, but really excess weight exacerbates.  I fit into a size 14 (which for me was a HUGE fete, and I realize that for some people that's a nightmare, but for someone who's a size 20-24-28-32 it's a dream and it's a dream I achieved).  Except when I don't (and then I don't really talk about it).  Sometimes I feel really 'in my body' and loving my curves and my hips...except when I don't, and I fixate on a problem 'area'.  But here's the thing, what I saw yesterday didn't show a person who appears fit.

I question whose eyes I'm viewing this body, my body, with?  Sometimes I think they are rose-colored glasses...Or can they be the harsh, judgemental glasses of woman-collective (that part of us that can sum up another woman harshly and concisely and limited, but comes way-too-easily for almost all of us)?  If I jump on the bandwagon of you aren't fit unless you look this way, and your BMI is this and your jeans are a single digit then where does that leave me--am I irrelevant?  But on the other hand do I give myself 'too much worth'- and is there such a thing? 

This is what I know (or at least I thought I knew):  I have a problem with fat-advocates, I don't think they do a service to women.  Obesity is a killer, by saying weight should not be a factor in this world is misguided to say the least.  But I also have an issue with the set that tells me I don't fit in with their crowd because I'm not a size 2, or 4, or 6.  Where does that leave me...right now, quite frankly, I feel alone.  I feel like I am alone in the middle.  Am I really serving anyone anymore?  I am really even serving myself?  If I admit that I don't believe I am worthy as a size 14, have I just told an amazing group of women (and men) who follow me that are size 16+ to collectively fuck-off?  Conversely, if I don't fit the expectations of the 'Fit-is-Us' crowd, do I even belong at the table, have I essentially become a 'fat advocate'? 

How much longer can I sit at this precipice?  There's an old phrase, 'shit or get off the pot'...does this mean I need to lose the 'rest of the weight'?  Maybe it does.  I do know that the woman I saw on that video did not look as fit as I desire to be, she appeared to move more slowly getting on and off the floor than a vibrant woman should.  Damn, that woman was me.  But so is the woman in my head.  The duplicity of it all....

Ironic 'healthy kids' sign

I saw this sign at a local park & loved the message...then I saw the bottle of coca cola. I swear I played no role in it's placement! My friend Tracy suggested perhaps people will begin leaving undesirable items near the sign: McDonalds bags, cigarettes, juice boxes, pizza slices... Anyway-what item would you leave at the sign???

Musings of a Foodie...Why am I blessed with food choices while others go hungry???

So I'm sitting here at a little cafe in NYC, I just dropped my kids at their educationally adept daycare (you know, age appropriate toys, little stations, caregiver ratio of 2 to 1, bright colors, sleek furniture, fish to feed, puppets that come to life--it's like a freaking wonderland for a 3 year in that place & somehow when I pick them up at the end of the day they are perfectly clean and the women are not harried and all the toys are picked up and placed in their perfectly labeled containers and my kids have both taken naps and used the potty and not eaten any boogers--pretty much a complete 180 from what happens at a day at our house, which is why I never let my husband pick up the kids, lest he actually come to think this kind of irrational behavior is normal?!)...Anyway, yikes, where was I?  Oh yes, the kids are not my responsibility for an entire 8 1/4 hours--yippee!  The weight of world is off my shoulders!  I can do anything, be anyone 1/3 of a whole day.  Wow.

So what do I do?  I go to this little cafe on the ground floor of the Time Life Building (where the kids are in their educationally adept, company paid for daycare--to be read 'expensive').  I am going to get so much done.  I check my e-mail, balance my checkbook online, and begin working on an on-going project (a ridiculously complicated chart plotting the weights and BMI's and loss percentages of Biggest Loser contestants and comparing it to past seasons).  Finally, with the din of radio and the random conversations around me as background noise I am able to work and start feeling 'in the zone' (I hate phrases like that, but sometimes they just describe it).

"Can anyone help me out?'  That's what he said.  Who's he talking to?  Does he think I work here?  I don't have on a uniform...I don't have a name tag on.  Do I somehow look official?    He, for the record is a man in his 30's, light skin bi-racial guy with a face covered in freckles and a ruddy orange sweatshirt.  To be honest, I don't want to be bothered.  I want to go on working on my project and being an anonymous person in the corner of the cafe hogging a table that happens to have an outlet next to it and drinking the water and coffee I bought and the sunflower seeds and dried prunes I brought.  But maybe he's lost and just doesn't know where to order? Or he's not sure where the subway is? 

I say, rather naively (especially for a girl whose lived here more than 2 minutes), 'what do you need help with'?  'Something to eat' is the curt, loud response carried with an intense, audacious stare. 

Oh shit.  What if this is the 2nd coming of Christ?  What if I say no and then when I go and meet with my accountant later he tells me there was a mistake on my taxes and I owe $5000?  What if I say no and then get hit by a taxi on my way out?  What if that Hawaiian guy from 20/20 pops out and tells me I was actually being secretly taped for the 'What would you do' segment and failed miserably?  What if my grandpa was watching me from heaven and shook his head sadly at his snotty granddaughter.  How could I say no?

'I have an apple' I say.  'Okay!' he says.  I proceed to look voraciously through my bag, glad to know he's hungry and didn't say, 'no thanks' like most people do when they ask for money and I offer them the perennial apple that I usually have in bag.  My papers fall on the floor.  My pen falls on the floor.  My freckled-faced caller picks up the papers and pen dutifully.  I can't find the frickin' apple--I took it out this morning because I wasn't going to eat it and needed the room in my bag for the organic carrots and organic cheese and organic rolled up turkey I packed instead. 

'You know what, just go up and order something for yourself' I find myself saying.  A bewildered stare meets my eyes.  'You paying?' he says suspiciously.  'Of course' I say quietly.  Shit, what if he orders $50 in food I think.  I should have just grabbed a gift card and put $20 on it.  He orders and I meet him at the register with my Visa Marriott Rewards card that I use so I can get points toward the Fiji vacation I want to take. 

Fiji vacation.  Organic cheese.  Organic carrots.  Who have I become?

Why on earth do I deserve these things?  For God sakes there are people dying of starvation all over the world.  And I discuss the differences between the Jewish preschool and the YMCA preschool and if we can afford the $5000+/year pricetags.  And when we will be renovating our perfectly fine (albeit out-of -style & out-of-date) kitchen?  And do I like this paint shade from Benjamin Moore or this other one? And shouldn't we hire an arborist? 

$50?  What would it have hurt?  Sure, I couldn't have made a huge difference, really I couldn't have.  But, what if that act of kindness inspired Mr. freckles?  What if it inspired the check-out clerk as she puts herself through college?  What if it inspired someone else?  One small act is sometimes the catalyst of something big. 

I'm glad the orange sweatshirt guy was able to eat his bacon, egg & cheese on roll with a large orange juice.  I wish I hadn't muttered under my breath 'your welcome' as I walked away after paying and saying, 'I hope you have a nice day'.  Afterall, why on earth would manners be important to someone who is told to fuck off by the world probably 500 times a day.  Maybe this meal will be the only one he eats all week.

 I wish I had done more.

Maybe by writing this I have.

Be grateful.  Be inspired.  Do something for someone today.  Even if you think they don't deserve it.  Even if you are feeling bad for yourself.  Do something.  Do something and expect nothing in return.  Not even a thank you.  Be that catalyst.  Please.  Pay it forward for Mr. Freckles sake.

FINDING STABILITY: IN SEARCH OF A YEAR OF NO CHANGE

Yes, I know I cannot control the universe...but after a series of long talks with my husband I think I have come to some realizations...we/me/I/us need some stability in our lives.  In the merry-go-round/blame game I believe I have found a very consistent problem/obstacle in my life.  I fear the unknown and I fear change.  After taking a very long and hard look at our lives as individuals, a couple, and a family we have realized that we have had a major life change every year of our marriage (11 years...and counting!).  In addition, truly I have had a major life change longer than that...join me on a stroll down memory lane...

2008...in late January we moved into a new house in a new state and essentially knew we would never see our old friends (yes, even if you move 15 miles away...if your in NYC/surrounding area you might as well have moved to London...you're never seeing your old friends on a regular basis again!)...husband travels more than 1/2 the year on business....dog dies....we are finally debt free (well, credit card debt!)...begin this blog...stop nursing baby....deal with stagnant weight loss....deal with weight gain...

2007...baby Z is born on Father's Day, comes home to a one-bedroom apartment (yep 4 of us in 1 bedroom--argh!)....husband goes to Iraq (as a journalist)...quit my job to be a mom...elected to Board of Directors for our co-op...lose over 50 pounds during the year...try to sell apartment, it falls through...finally sell apartment....pay off a lot of debt

2006....baby S arrives 6 weeks early and is in the NICU for 10 days....husband has long business trip overseas...go back to work after baby is born...unexpected, but amazing gift of 2nd pregnancy....husband's grandmother dies....deal with a major depression....lose 40+ pounds....pay off a huge chuck of debt

2005....buy a one-bedroom in NYC...think about finding a new job...lose some weight...sister and brother get married 6 weeks apart...get knocked up (unexpected but wonderful news!)...grandmother dies, leaving me heartbroken

2004...relocate from Cincinnati to NYC, rent a 1 bedroom apartment in Manhattan....can't find a job in my field (at least not at the level I wanted)...take a job teaching high school...lose 30 pounds

2003...promoted to Director of the Family Center, becoming one of the youngest directors at the non-profit ever...hit all time highest weight....we come the realization that we have accumulated a HUGE amount of debt and face a big problem in pulling ourselves out of debt

2002...graduate with my MSW (masters in social work) while working full time...promoted to Program Manager of a large program

2001...working full time, going to school full time, new internship...promoted to Family Center Coordinator...9/11/01 very emotional....therapist I just started seeing falls to her death 4 weeks later while hiking, I think it's no big deal, but it secretly bothers me for years

2000...start graduate school...begin an internship

1999...apply to graduate school...promoted to Family Support Coordinator...walk in a marathon

1998....after being in Knoxville only 6 months husband gets a job in Cincinnati, move to Cincinnati/ Northern Kentucky....find a new job...move into an apartment...try to make friends...try to acclimate to a very large (well, it seemed at time anyway) city...

1997...graduate from college...get married....move away from home--Erie, PA--to Knoxville, TN....begin 1st 'real job'

1996...boyfriend/husband moves to Georgia for a job...spend summer in Georgia with boyfriend/husband...get engaged

1995...meet husband, fall in love...decide to stop playing college basketball

1994...grandfather I'm very close to dies unexpectedly of a heart attack

1993...1st 'love' breaks my heart...recruited to play basketball by several colleges...go to college

1992...fall in love for the first time

1991...hmmm....I don't remember a major life change this year...at the time I'm sure my issues seemed 'huge'....but probably the biggest things in my life were that I had started driving and normal high school angst.

EVEN CHRISTMAS TREES HAVE BODY IMAGE ISSUES!

We went to cut down our Christmas tree last week and this tree caught my eye...I call it the 'anorexic tree'...even Christmas trees have been seduced by the media/diet industry standards and this poor Arborvitae has succumbed to the pressures!

I recommended a new 'arbor-face group' for this uber-skinny gal...'recovering arborexics, full figured is beautiful'...

THANKSGIVING--GIVE THANKS FOR YOUR BODY & MOVE IT!

Just a friendly little reminder that you should give thanks for your body!  It allows you to walk, run, talk, hug, cook, eat, kiss, skip, hop, ride a bike, jump, climb, have sex (come on, you were thinking it too!), ride a motorcycle, ski, skateboard, ride a horse, etc.

What a wonderful thing it is the way our bodies work.  Give it a little gift today....take a long walk, go for a jog, ride your bike....just do something to say 'thanks for all the little things you allow me to do, now let me take care of you'.

It might seem silly, but deep down you KNOW it's true.  So yes, eat some yummy foods and give thanks for the harvest, but give thanks for your amazing, wonderful, beautiful body too!  We are heading out for our run in about 30 minutes.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'M HAVING A 'MR. MOM' MOMENT!

So have you ever seen Mr. Mom? You know, that 80's movie with Michael Keaton. There's this scene where he 'throws in the towel' and his life is going to pot (pretty much every mom I know can relate to feeling this way at one time or another). He's gotten fat, the house is an utter disaster, he hasn't shaved in weeks, he's wearing the same clothing days at a time, his life is revolving around the soap operas, the kids are running the show and it ain't pretty. Keaton's character, Jack, gets it together--he cleans the sh!t out of the house, he gets the kids to give up the pacifier, give up the 'woobie' (blanket), & he basically becomes the perfect homemaker (all in about 5 minutes--Wow!). I'll spare you the social commentary on the underlying message the producers were tying to send that women should just pull themselves up from their stirrup pants because really all you have to do it want it. But the fact is that sometimes I feel like Jack, my life can go into utter chaos and I lose control of my day, my house, my kids and because I lack structure so goes the kids, the house, my life. It's a never-ending circle that leaves one feeling depressed. I blogged a bout balance a few weeks back and discipline and it's all related.

Today, when the kids went down for their nap I have my Mr. Mom moment (not the I want to have an affair with Joan the buxom divorce moment...no the 'I'm getting my shit together moment). No, the house isn't perfect, and I'm about 154% sure it will never be. BUT: the catch-all bookshelf is cleared off, some clutter is picked up, the dishwasher and the washing machine are both going, and I have a 'planning board' I'm mapping out for the next couple weeks. I have too much to do (hey, who doesn't)...but at least can be some semblance of organized chaos.

By the way, WEEKLY WEIGH-IN NUMBERS ARE IN...I lost 2 pounds (taking into account that I gained a pound last week, I actually only lost 1 pound...but the point is, my weight loss total right this minute (well, really Saturday morning, before eating, after peeing, while standing naked on the scale) is -76. That's right...76 pounds are gone from my body! It will be more this coming week...you can count on it!