So, I'm back from our vacation. I have to say, I think I've learned a bit about myself over the past few days. I went into my Easter trip to my mother-in-law's larger than life (eek, that pun WASN'T intended!), I had it all figured out--I had MASTERED my eating/diet! Boy, just when you get a little cocky that's when life kicks you in the ass. And can I say one thing...'ouch'.
Prior to our trip I had adopted a new way of eating & frankly I was kicking butt and taking names. I dropped 14 lbs in 2 weeks! I realized a lot of this was detoxing my body and water weight, but I did take it off and keep it off, my clothes felt looser, I even wore a couple pairs of underwear that normally rode too low on my tummy and 'rolled' over (well, actually, under) my infamous low-belly overhang.
So, I'm going gangbusters, so what happens? A total breakdown of the mind-meets-food-meets-mouth. Yes folks, I went off the plan. Yep. Did it feel good? Hell no! Every bite I was taking I was screaming at myself, crying internally, yet somehow did not stop. I even snuck into the bathroom with my journal and tried to figure out what the hell I was doing. It didn't work, everyone thought I was sick and then people needed the bathroom and so I exited and had yet another slice of ham.
Not that I believe everyone must eat only a prescribed number of calories every single day of their life. But I guess my frustration stemmed from having made a 32 day commitment and then breaking it. I learned that I still have some issues around food. I eat for emotional reasons, and what's great is that I'm doing a bit of work right now to figure out exactly what those emotions are and how I can handle them differently (in the past I would say to myself, well at least I eat and don't starve myself, cut myself, smoke pot, am a nymphomaniac--I call this the Jerry Springer phenomenon: we compare ourselves to the least common denominator in humanity, instead of striving to live up to the best role models).
So I know I eat for emotional reasons. I know I wasn't hungry. I also learned that I need structure. Some people can 'wing it'. I hate those people. I am not a 'winger'--first off I don't have long blond hair and a twin and a famously deceased dad (sorry, bad 80's rocker joke). Seriously though, structure is what I need, at least right now. A plan. A way to quantify the stuff I'm putting in my body. This is why they recommend you 'write it down'--because most of us must need this--quantification!
Now my only saving grace in all of this is that I became violently ill with a stomach virus (imagine that?!). So, I actually did not gain (or lose) a pound in my week and a half 'off program'. I would not recommend this method. It is not fun to be as sick as I was, it really sucks when you are so sick you don't want to read, check e-mail or even watch TV. If you can't even watch TV or a movie you have become a true slug!
I am back to being cognizant of my food choices....planning....journaling....choosing better foods for each meal. I feel more in control and that's good. AND I found out I'm going to be featured in Health magazine and have my picture taken (yikes!) so I have some extra motivation for staying in control and staying focused. Wish me luck!
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