Lost 100

International Disasters & Falling Off the Wagon: Why it's Important to Stay True to Yourself During Trying Times

If you're like most people you are having a hard time reconciling going through your daily activities 'business as usual' while the devastation in Haiti is going on.  The images on the TV, the voices of the correspondents cracking as they fight back tears, the cries on anguish...and you feel so helpless.  Perhaps you think, 'if only I could be there...'.  As someone who has been observing this disaster and specifically my reaction to & my history of reactions to international disasters, I'd like to take a moment to use my psychology & social work degree.

Haiti, Asia's Tsunami, Katrina, 9/11...they are in our collective conscious, in our shared history, they are perhaps the things we will tell our grandchildren about and will be asked about, they are things we will never forget.  Where were we when we first heard?  When did we realize it was worse than we could have imagined?  How did we feel?  What did we do?

I remember in each of the previous disasters feeling helpless.  I actually have Disaster Relief skills/background, as well as social service management/systems management/volunteer coordiantion skills, all of which could be put to great use.  I remember being angry that I could not be there to help (especially for Katrina, when I certainly felt I could jump in the car and drive to Lousiana, indeed that had been my plan, except for the fact that I realized I was pregnant just 2 days after the hurricane hit).  So in each of these past disasters (less so for the Tsunami because I had a newborn AND I was pregnant) I used my displaced feelings of helplessness & instead of channelling them into 'living my best life,' I did what I do best: zone out, eat, wallow, glue myself to the TV.

The thing is, it's not about us.  That may sound harsh.  But it's not.  There is always going to be somoene at any moment of the day on this earth going through hell.  There is always going to be someone having the best moment ever.  When we choose to sit back and live vicariously through people's lives, either through their tragedy or their success (think--celebrity obsession, reading about celebrities, wanting to date them, meet them, be them...) we are not being true to ourselves. 

I'll say it again, we are not living our best life, we are not holding true to our purpose in life when we allow all the things that go on in the world to derail us from what we should be doing.  The earthquake happened in Haiti, not in your kitchen.  There is no reason to overeat, to not cook, to fall off the wagon (so to speak).  You can still make a healthy meal, and have gratitude that you have the ability to cook, to purchase healthy food, to have the knowledge of wellness.

And here's the thing, when you live your best life; when you are, so-to-speak self-actualized, you actually contribute to the world through your energy, through your own goodwill.  Last night, as I watched the Golden Globes for a moment, actress Meryll Streep won an award.  She talked about feeling a bit incongruent putting on her nice dress, getting her hair & make-up done, celebrating during a time of so much sadness...then she remembered her mom's attitude and said, she felt gratitude that she could do something she loved and get paid so well, so because of the celebration she is quite wealthy, which meant that she's going to 'give today and give tomorrow and give the next day and the day after that...'. 

If you haven't been living your best life, choose now to do so.  Turn the negative emotions into a positive.  You don't have to continue to eat in front of the television crying when something bad happens.  Turn it off and tune in to your life.

Am I Good Enough???

So I was trying out my wetsuit at the gym yesterday when a middle-aged Russian lady sat down next to me in the locker room. 

'Whadt is dhis?' she says to me in an accent.

'Oh, it's a wetsuit, I'm doing a triathlon this weekend and I thought I better try it out since I've never swam in one before' I say.

[With huge eyes & a laugh} 'Um, maybe youh losse some wheighht'? 

[In a happy voice, with dignity] 'Oh, yes, I've actually lost almost 100 lbs & am working on losing more, I have been training for this for awhile' I say.

With surprised indignation and a questioning look she begins quizzing me on my diet (satisfied once I detail my 6 weekly, 90 minute+ workouts), and I kid you not everything I say she say, 'dhis not good'.  I tell her I eat very little, if any red meat and instead seek other forms of protein, when I tell her I eat a lot of nuts & seeds she tis, tisses me and says, 'too much fat'...I kindly point out that I know a serving of almonds is 18 almonds, has 160 calories and has fat, but it's the type of fat I seek in my diet (MUFA!). 

She asks if I am alone or cook for others--looking surprised when I tell her I have a husand and children.  'Ahnd do they eaht lihke youh?'....'Of course,' I tell her, 'I even have them making their own healthy pizzas on pita bread'.

'Phizza! No, no, no, no, no--dis very bhad!'  She's obviously not getting that the pizzas we makes are less than 400 calories, loaded with nutrients, veggies and healthier than 90% of the food out there, plus trick everyone into thinking they are eating something decadent.

When the exchange is over I feel deflated.  I never lost my cool, but it made me think, am I a joke?  Do most people look at me and make assumptions about me?  Am I not good enough???? 

Of course I am good enough!  This is an old belief!  What, should I lay around and give up and say, 'fuck it' (sorry mom) because one Russian lady, who knows nothing about me and chose not to listen to my story, who discounts losing all this weight, who begrudges me because I don't weight 140 lbs & have a perfectly sculpted body?!  Hell no!

It's an oldie  but goodie, this belief that 'we're not not enough/I'm not enough'....but the thing is, it only has power if you let it.  I am good enough.  YOU are good enough.  I will attract people to me that believe this and stop noticing people who don't believe this.  You will too! 

I have a favorite line in this Max Lucado book, 'You are Special'...it goes something like this, 'what they think doesn't matter...it only matters if you let it.  Why should YOU care what THEY think, the stickers only stick if you let them...the more you trust MY (God's) love, the more THEIR stickers (judgements) don't matter....'

So trust God, yourself, your higher self, your higher power....whatever it is that you believe and know you are precious and important and we need you...and whatever road you are on to be happier and healthier is exactly where you are suppose to be!

Have a great day (I know I will...it's my birthday)!

Anatomy of a Breakdown

So, I'm back from our vacation.  I have to say, I think I've learned a bit about myself over the past few days.  I went into my Easter trip to my mother-in-law's larger than life (eek, that pun WASN'T intended!), I had it all figured out--I had MASTERED my eating/diet!  Boy, just when you get a little cocky that's when life kicks you in the ass.  And can I say one thing...'ouch'.

Prior to our trip I had adopted a new way of eating & frankly I was kicking butt and taking names.  I dropped 14 lbs in 2 weeks!  I realized a lot of this was detoxing my body and water weight, but I did take it off and keep it off, my clothes felt looser, I even wore a couple pairs of underwear that normally rode too low on my tummy and 'rolled' over (well, actually, under) my infamous low-belly overhang.

So, I'm going gangbusters, so what happens?  A total breakdown of the mind-meets-food-meets-mouth.  Yes folks, I went off the plan.  Yep.  Did it feel good?  Hell no!  Every bite I was taking I was screaming at myself, crying internally, yet somehow did not stop.  I even snuck into the bathroom with my journal and tried to figure out what the hell I was doing.  It didn't work, everyone thought I was sick and then people needed the bathroom and so I exited and had yet another slice of ham.

Not that I believe everyone must eat only a prescribed number of calories every single day of their life.  But I guess my frustration stemmed from having made a 32 day commitment and then breaking it.  I learned that I still have some issues around food.  I eat for emotional reasons, and what's great is that I'm doing a bit of work right now to figure out exactly what those emotions are and how I can handle them differently (in the past I would say to myself, well at least I eat and don't starve myself, cut myself, smoke pot, am a nymphomaniac--I call this the Jerry Springer phenomenon:  we compare ourselves to the least common denominator in humanity, instead of striving to live up to the best role models). 

So I know I eat for emotional reasons.  I know I wasn't hungry.  I also learned that I need structure.  Some people can 'wing it'.  I hate those people.  I am not a 'winger'--first off I don't have long blond hair and a twin and a famously deceased dad (sorry, bad 80's rocker joke).  Seriously though, structure is what I need, at least right now.  A plan.  A way to quantify the stuff I'm putting in my body.  This is why they recommend you 'write it down'--because most of us must need this--quantification!  

Now my only saving grace in all of this is that I became violently ill with a stomach virus (imagine that?!).  So, I actually did not gain (or lose) a pound in my week and a half 'off program'.  I would not recommend this method.  It is not fun to be as sick as I was, it really sucks when you are so sick you don't want to read, check e-mail or even watch TV.  If you can't even watch TV or a movie you have become a true slug!

I am back to being cognizant of my food choices....planning....journaling....choosing better foods for each meal.  I feel more in control and that's good.  AND I found out I'm going to be featured in Health magazine and have my picture taken (yikes!) so I have some extra motivation for staying in control and staying focused.  Wish me luck!

DON'T FOCUS ON THE PAIN...BY FOCUSING ON THE PAIN

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about where we all come from.  No, not the stork/ mommy & daddy/ hospital theories.  But rather, why we behave in certain ways, why we react in certain ways...really what perspective we are coming from. 

After taking a class, doing some reading, journaling, & talking I've come to understand that we all have things that have happened in our lives.  This is not earth-shattering, obviously.  However, coming to understand my own issues/ pain bodies (yes, that's Eckhart Tolle speaking), etc. has helped me to see that everyone around me is reacting from their own issues to things (their own stuff/issues/pain bodies).

So, great Jen...but what the hell does this have to do with working out/eating right/losing weight.

Well, my fine feathered friends, I had an epiphany of sorts today.

It came to me during spinning class (where else, right?  that is of course where all epiphanies start...haha).  So, if you have never taken a spinning class, saying it's intense/a hard workout is pretty much an understatment.  So as I was focusing through the tough parts I found this little spot on the floor and focused on that, while working hard.  Furthermore, I imagined that spot was a physical representation of the pain (the pain from my life issues.  As I did this I noticed myself working harder.  I also noticed that I wanted to get rid of the pain, I wanted to make the pain better, and by having a physical outlet for that pain I felt better mentally and spiritually.  At the end of my class my issues/stuff/pain was lessened. 

It got me thinking (as I immediately headed a Zumba class--which rocked by the way) how can I share this information with others?  What other ideas can I share.  I thought of a few girlfriends of mine who have shared a few of their own issues/pains with me & also things I hear people talking about on TV, in books, in the news.  Some common themes for issues/pain emerged.  Things like:  I want to be loved...I'm afraid of being abandoned...I'm afraid of not having money...I'm afraid of appearing incompetent...etc.  These issues can manifest themselves in many, many ways. 

For now though, I'll choose one issue.  As I was walking to class one of the big-screen TV's had on one of those Divorce Court shows, so we'll use a common marital issue as our example.  Infidelity.  If you use my example of focusing on the pain, you would not be saying...'look what that asshole did to me....i want to kill that whore...i imagine i'm stomping on her face....i imagine i'm kicking him in the groin'.  No!  This is not helpful.  You have to get to the raw emotion, the actual pain.  Simply, 'something in my life happened that I am experiencing pain from, it sucks, I hate the pain, I want the pain to go away, I imagine as I punch, kick, jump, pedal, lift (etc) that this pain is slowly easing away...the physical pain I am feeling is simply a manifestation fo the mental/spiritual pain I am feeling in my life...the more I feel the pain of the exercise, the less I feel the pain of my issue.

Does this make any semblance of sense to you?  Do you agree?  Disagree?

I also have found this to work with food.  Let me re-phrase that--I postulize that many people with extra weight have utilized food to push the emotions down, to not feel them/deal with them, to essentially numb themselves.  Again, I'm certainly not the first person that has ever said this.  You can actually tell yourself that the hunger you think you feel is simply a phsyical manifestation of the mental/spiritual pain and it's amazing how much control you will immediately take for the food that goes in your mouth.  Try it...it works!!!

LARRY KING INTERVIEWS OPRAH'S 'TEAM'

Below is the transcript to Larry King's interview with Oprah's expert group of 'best-lifers'...I know there's a whole little army out there of anti-O's out there.  Frankly, it may be time to get over yourselves.  I think it's admirable for a person to put themselves out there on such a deep level.  What Oprah has done has helped millions and millions of people--she's allowed her inner-most demons to be put on display.  I hear folks say things like, 'I would never do that...she just likes the publicity...she's immodest...she's a publicity whore...etc'.  No one has asked you to do it, and frankly few would looking at the how our society <i>loves</i> to attack women who are strong or opinionated or who emotionally open up.  What Oprah has done is emotionally give herself to others in hopes we are not fearful of seeking help for our own demons and problems.  Few have this type of relationship with the people in their life they are closest with (mom, dad, sister, spouse, partner, children), let alone the world!

I am grateful and appreciate her willingness to share her life with us.  I have learned and continue to learn from her.  I have to say, I'm really appreciate other <i>women</i> in my life right now, especially older women...I just learn so much from them and appreciate their wisdom. 

Click below for the link:
Larry King interviews Oprah's 'team'

I'M HAVING A 'MR. MOM' MOMENT!

So have you ever seen Mr. Mom? You know, that 80's movie with Michael Keaton. There's this scene where he 'throws in the towel' and his life is going to pot (pretty much every mom I know can relate to feeling this way at one time or another). He's gotten fat, the house is an utter disaster, he hasn't shaved in weeks, he's wearing the same clothing days at a time, his life is revolving around the soap operas, the kids are running the show and it ain't pretty. Keaton's character, Jack, gets it together--he cleans the sh!t out of the house, he gets the kids to give up the pacifier, give up the 'woobie' (blanket), & he basically becomes the perfect homemaker (all in about 5 minutes--Wow!). I'll spare you the social commentary on the underlying message the producers were tying to send that women should just pull themselves up from their stirrup pants because really all you have to do it want it. But the fact is that sometimes I feel like Jack, my life can go into utter chaos and I lose control of my day, my house, my kids and because I lack structure so goes the kids, the house, my life. It's a never-ending circle that leaves one feeling depressed. I blogged a bout balance a few weeks back and discipline and it's all related.

Today, when the kids went down for their nap I have my Mr. Mom moment (not the I want to have an affair with Joan the buxom divorce moment...no the 'I'm getting my shit together moment). No, the house isn't perfect, and I'm about 154% sure it will never be. BUT: the catch-all bookshelf is cleared off, some clutter is picked up, the dishwasher and the washing machine are both going, and I have a 'planning board' I'm mapping out for the next couple weeks. I have too much to do (hey, who doesn't)...but at least can be some semblance of organized chaos.

By the way, WEEKLY WEIGH-IN NUMBERS ARE IN...I lost 2 pounds (taking into account that I gained a pound last week, I actually only lost 1 pound...but the point is, my weight loss total right this minute (well, really Saturday morning, before eating, after peeing, while standing naked on the scale) is -76. That's right...76 pounds are gone from my body! It will be more this coming week...you can count on it!

FITNESS, PARENTHOOD, MENTAL HEALTH, TRIATHLONS, AIRPLANES & JENNIFER LOPEZ

I've been thinking a lot lately about the interface between parenting and exercise. If you know anything about me, that hour I get away from my kids everyday is what keeps me sane. Yes, I adore my kids--they are truly the BEST thing in my life...but with a traveling hubby, no family in town, and lacking a regular sitter let's just say I could easily be labeled 'one egg short of a dozen...elevator doesn't go to the top floor...etc.' So to avoid the looney bin (and a permanent place on the Lane Bryant shopping hall of fame list), I exercise at our gym for a hour most days. Sometimes I even take a shower (how novel, huh?) and rest in the sauna or steam room. Rejuvenation is the key to not killing ones kids.

I was very excited to hear a couple months ago that Jennifer Lopez was training for a triathlon. As you may know, she's a new mom of twins & I thought, what a great way to make sure you're taking time for yourself and setting a great example for your kiddos! It was the same level of inspiration I received when Katie Holmes, a fellow new mom, competed in the NYC marathon last year--I found it inspirational (and I especially appreciated her tip that she listened to Kanye West's 'Stronger' for the last 6 miles--it's become my 'don't quit/you can do it' song on the i-pod).

At any rate, here's a link to a People Magazine article about Jennifer Lopez competing in the triathlon in Malibu. I read a couple of blogs that referenced JLo's triathlon & I have to say I was shocked by a few of the comments. A few readers on OMG actually referenced the fact that Lopez had stated she was going to take some time off to care for the babies and that these readers felt Lopez's children were suffering because she was not caring for them appropriately.

In fact, I have to say, I find it disheartening that over and over again I see comments like these. Why do women feel the need to tear down other women? Are we jealous of each other? Maybe. Are we insecure with the choices we have made in our own lives? Perhaps. I can't think of why else a stay-at-home mom would belittle a mom who works or why a working mom would belittle a mom who stays home. Listen, I know I'm only a few short years into this whole parenthood thing, but I've done it all, I worked and sent baby S. to daycare, I stayed home, and now I work at home & TRUST me I don't have it all figured out yet! There are things about all 3 I loved, and things about all 3 I hate. I think there are definite benefits to my children with each and certainly things that are not so great with each choice. But one thing I hope I never do is judge the way someone else chooses to mother (especially in terms of the way she chooses to balance family/work).

And really to say that someone is taking time away from their kids by training for a triathlon (and this is not the Iron Man people, not to belittle the accomplishments of the competitors, but it's a 1/2 mile swim, 18 mile bike ride & 4 mile run--this is very do-able with probably 10 hours of training/week) is just insane! As parents we need to care for ourselves. I absolutely HATE this analogy, but it fits--when you're on the plane they tell you to first put the oxygen mask on your face before assisting others (even your kids). Why? Because sooner or later you're going to stop breathing and what help are you to anyone else if you're dead?!

WE MUST TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES! And by that I mean EATING HEALTHY, EXERCISING, MENTAL STIMULATION (reading anyone?), & SPIRITUAL RENEWAL (Church, Synagogue, Yoga, Prayer, getting in touch with nature--you need not be religious to be spiritual). When you take care of your mind-body-spirit you can be more present to the people you love. AND--it sets the example for your children on how to live a good life (after all if they don't see you moving your butt, they will be more likely to sit around in front of the TV or the computer or the video game system).

MAYBE SCIENTOLOGY GOT IT RIGHT AFTER ALL!

Okay, okay before you go all psycho on me, I am not a Scientologist, nor do I have any inclination into becoming one, nor do I have harsh judgment against those who are one (I mean afterall, in this screwed up world I think it's great for people to embrace any religion at all! We can use all the help we can get!).

Do you remember the "Matt you're glib" comment elicited by Tom Cruise a mere 3 years ago while on the Today Show and discussing depression and the use of psychotropic drugs (in lay-person terms: anti-depressants, happy pills, puppy-uppers, etc.). Tom asserts (as one of the core beliefs in Scientology) that one needs to take care of themselves, take vitamins, eat right, exercise, turn to God, etc. and that there is no such thing as depression that it is something made up by the medical community to drum up business (kinda like those Hallmark Holidays? like Grandparents Day? or Bosses Day?).

I've got to be honest, I have a degree in Psychology, a Master's degree in Social Work, I've worked in the field (a few years back now) so I pretty much side on the side of the medical establishment.

HOWEVER, last week I was feeling uninspired, unmotivated, was sleeping late, was tired all day, didn't feel like I was getting good workouts in, was weepy (and no I wasn't experiencing PMS, but gee, thanks). This persisted for a little over a week. One night I finally sat down and talked to hubby about it. I told him everything I told you and started discussing what I could do about it. I wasn't particularly inclined to go see a shrink and I didn't really want to put drugs in my body (I'm trying to be just a little more organic, which is hilarious because as I write this I'm actually drinking a soda, which is usually a no-no in my 'more organic-healthy eating/living lifestyle). At any rate, he did what any hubby who isn't sure how to respond and doesn't want his wife having a major meltdown would do--he sympathized, didn't judge, and really didn't help that much (at least at the time that's what I thought). "What have you been eating? How are your workouts going?" WHAT? How was that suppose to help me feel less depressed, and wow, thanks for making me feel like it's all in my head and my fault because I am not eating great.

But hold the phone. He and those Scientologists may have been onto something. Yep. It turns out that after having a few kick-ass workouts, eating some great Broccoli Rabe Chicken Pasta (I'll give the recipe some time--it rocks!), and spending some quality time with my family I'm feeling on the top of the world again. I guess the thing is that certainly is a medical/chemical condition of Depression and there are people who have this condition and need treatment of one form or another, but I also think that just like some health condition can have an on-set or be exacerbated by lifestyle (activity level, diet, smoking, weight, etc.) some forms of depression can act similarly.

Makes you wonder, how might the world be different if when people went to the doctor because they were feeling 'a little blue', the doctor suggested they eat healthier, exercise an hour everyday, pray (or meditate or whatever). I guess we'll never know for sure, but maybe ask a Scientologist (and by the way, have you ever seen a sad, or for that matter fat, Scientologist?!).

Hey, by the way--I'm not a doctor--please don't take medical advice from me.

DISCIPLINE: IT JUST MIGHT BE THE GOLDEN TICKET...LET'S JUST HOPE I DON'T HAVE TO EAT 10 CHOCOLATE BARS TO FIND IT!

I am back from hiatus. With a quick vacation and the holiday weekend and then the 1st day of school (no, my kids don't go to school yet, but their babysitter does) I feel like I've been reduced to a catchphrase (chicken with her head cut off...).

But what I've really been thinking a lot about (and wanting to blog on) is discipline. I think I may have issues being disciplined...

Perhaps a lack of discipline has been what's plagued me my whole life.

Whoa! Before I go all melodramatic on you, let's not go so crazy. We'll talk recent stuff.

I went away to Denver simply because there was a free hotel room waiting for me. Hubby had a business trip that had been planned for awhile, I found a decent-priced ticket, the mother-in-law was available to come watch the kids, and I figured I would have 5 days of uninterrupted blogging! Sounds perfect, amazing, right? I even wrote some fellow friend bloggers to tell them about, they were excited for me. But I should have know ahead of time that I was setting myself up. First, who can stay inspired to work 16 straight hours 5 days in a row? And even if you can are you going to be at your best, especially creatively speaking.

So these little thoughts enter my thinking....then I think I should go hiking (afterall, this is only my 2nd time West of the Mississippi, and my first time wearing normal-sized clothing). Well, one needs hiking apparel to go hiking right?! Enter REI (a very cool outdoor store, like EMS/Patagonia/Northface--and Denver has the Flagship store, it rocks and is well worth the trip--and they didn't even pay me to say that!) and the requisite REI semi-annual sale. Four trips later (really, should one spend more time shopping for an activity than it takes to do said activity?) I'm really to hike up Everest (or at least Green Mountain). I am all set with my backpack, my long and short-sleved shirts, my new hiking boots, my hiking socks, my trail mix, my special water bottle (BPA-free!), my Luna bar, a special hat, sunscreen, bug repellent, my emergency toilet paper and shovel, the kitchen sink too....haha. Anyway, it turns out, unless you are a local a GPS is of no help in finding Green Mountain (which according to the woman at the hotel is just over there in 'Evergreen')...so I settle on the ferocious Lair of the Bear (Helen Reddy's I am Woman Hear me Roar starts playing in my head and I am so excited and ready to conquer the Bear (err, mountain). I should have known when I pulled in the tiny parking lot that maybe this wasn't quite my speed. You see, mountain climbers probably don't need handicapped parking...and there were more spots of handicapped parking here than there are at the VFW's bingo night! Trust me, I have no issues with disabled people (my own father-in-law is disabled), it's just it's not exactly the crowd I was expecting. I get out of the car with all my gear and I see Grandma and Grandpa smiling slyly. I pass several people in sandles, skirts, etc. and realize I look like a fool, or novice to be sure. At any rate, the hike was certainly not the challenge I was looking for....we'll leave it at that.

Back to my overall discipline 'problem'. So, did I mention I had 2 friends in Denver. Well of course I had to get together with them. That was great, but again, here I was, having lunch, having coffee, and not blogging. And the DNC was going on. This was interesting. I walked around downtown mainly to people-watch. It struck me...most of us are pretty normal, protesters are not. I watched while I saw far left and far right protesters protest everything from war to abortion to bird porn (ya, I still don't get that one). I also noticed how similar the far left and far right are--I found it amusing. I helped a family NOT get arrested and watch in amusement at a 23 year old anarchist chic and a bald man with a poster that said "Fox News is the only fair and balanced news" argued. She was crazy, and he was too and as they stood nose to nose he finally screamed, 'I wish your mother had had an abortion'....then everyone started screaming at him; my cue to move on. Of course this was just the most stimulating thing I could be doing with my time, right? Again, why was I not doing what I had come to do--work? Maybe I was afraid I was missing out on something....the grass is greener mentality?

So I carried that 'I'm missing out on something' attitude right to a party. Through hubby, I was able to score a pass to the CNN grill ('one night only' favor)--and I had a ball, and through my own merits scored tickets for the rest of the week. And I really did have fun. But here's the thing, from that moment on very little work got done.

When is it right to live in the moment and when is it right to be disciplined?

I wish I knew the answer to this, do you? I think I have a lot more to think about (and write about) on this topic....so stayed tuned!

STRUGGLING WITH BALANCE (NOT PHYSICAL BALANCE...LIFE BALANCE)

I don't know about you...but I seem to struggle with balance...not riding a bike or standing on a rock like the yoga guru's kind of balance...no, good ol' fashion how do I keep all the balls in the air balance.

I was so frustrated a few months ago, that I sought professional help. No, I didn't go to a psychologist, or social worker, or religious guru...I went to the professionals--other mommies. I am lucky enough to be part of a women's group, Mothers & More, and we happen to be the largest group in the country. So, I swallowed my pride, and wrote a long, rambling e-mail to 500 of my 'closest friends' and begged for help. I figured between them someone had a magic potion. Not so much. But what I found is that I wasn't alone. I heard personally from over 20 moms with practical suggestion...but what I heard the most was, 'THANK YOU--you said how I feel everyday'.

What I found from this very small sampling is that it didn't matter if you had one kid or seven, if you were a stay-at-home mom, a work-at-home mom, a work-out-of-home mom; or if you had a nanny or an au pair, or a mom/mother-in-law/ aunt who helps, or a super duper hubby--every woman felt there were too many things to do each day. Every woman cut corners. Every woman felt she failed in something or failed someone each day.

I sometimes feel like I fail myself. Do you? I give to my kids, to my house, to my hubby, to my dog, to my friends, my manicurist, my garbage man--when do I give to me? When I do give to me, I feel guilty or I use my time poorly. Am I just a product of my Catholic 'guilt-ridden' upbringing? I suspect not--many women feel guilty. I find I feel most guilty when I do all kinds of things and accomplish nothing. You know, half-assing 27 things and none are really finished. This is most evident when I feel I shortchange my kids. Not that I ever want to, but when I accomplish a lot and they have sort of, 'fended for themselves' with Sesame Street or their toy farm it seems like a fair trade. When all I can say is I checked my e-mail, CNN.com, and opened the mail--then I feel pretty shitty.

Today I actually feel like I have given fully to my children. We have had a wonderful day. I feel good about myself...except I haven't exercised yet....ARGH--the balance thing...